April 9 2007

Draft:

Things I learned today from talking to Grace about her previous experiences in her life.

-I used to look down on MSN articles and other dating related materials which would often state things like "Dating tip #1: Never mention the word, 'marriage'..." etc.

I did that pretty much assuming that (and those articles would often agree with me on this along with many many unfunny comedians with similar routines regarding this very issue) guys can't commit, they hate commitment, they want to sleep with as manh women as they want, whenever they want without any strings attached. So, I dismissed it and disrespected it completely.

I still agree that parts of it are true, but I've come to realize a bigger truth to it...that I was hasty in my judgement. I was wrong at least partially. I don't know the intentions and how much wisdom these writers actually have, but I know for me, personally, I was missing some truths to it.

See, I spent the majority of my teenage and college years here in the southern United States, where the unbalanced ideas of marriage and legalism of Christianity hugely dectate.

I have been a victim of this culture. And I didn't come to realize it till just recently.

I believe many of my friends are still stuck in it.

Marriage is not the answer.

If you are a young single who professes to be a "christian", the pressure is enormous. And they are basically taught marriage is the answer.

No, it's not. But at the same time, singleness is not, either.


My understanding up till talking to Grace about the issue also had been that, once you reach a reasonable age, you marry. You ought to. It's the most natural, logical process to many of us struggling young adults. And once you do, no matter how tough it is, you commit to it. You, as a man, provide financially and create emotionally, physically secure environment. You, as a woman, educate the children, create a pleasent living environment, and bring emotional stability to your home blah blah blah, and you get constant sex in the process as a reward, plus you have a nice companion all throughout your life, you won't feel lonely etc etc.


It sounds nice. It did to me as a young single christian working at a local church.

What I didn't realize was this,

-The focus should be and the truth focuses soly on this; relationship is all about stability/trust (just as Grace put it), not status.

-Our perception of marriage is warped. Completely warped. It does not solve anything. Maybe we think it's the "best thing", typically economically convenient situations and cultures, like in the south where things are slow and cost of living is so low that the man can basically have a minimum wage job to support a child since the parents, the relatives, and the grandparents live so close, and they can stay with you and help you. (So if not, what do you do? You get a job, you build a career, you try to stay above water, you work and work and work...sounds great right? The motive behind it doesn't sound bad, either, right? I was in that mentality as well. And I was goin to do it no matter how hard it got...then I came to realize, that is just mediocre at best. And I don't want that.)

But, no. Marriage-commitment-work lifestyle is not the solution. It doesn't solve anything. They don't seem to realize that it doesn't offer the real solution to the heart problem...so in a long run, it doesn't anything...and the pattern of thought and the lifestyle repeat itself sooner or later whether it be this generation or next generation. It's merely a cover-up to the problem.

I just don't think it's right to get married just because you can afford it, or "it's about time for you" anymore.




Actions are just manifestations of the void in their hearts.

All of our issues are definitely at the heart. It has to change.

I know mine needed to. It was tough, but I'm glad it's happening.


Say, you sleep with a girl, and because of that you ought to follow up your actions. So, you commit yourself to her because that's the right thing to do. Right?

It sounds great, it sounds honorable. but no. It's still a cover-up. Commitment without true understanding is just a cover up. Your heart is still the same. You are basically enslaving your life to your wrong idea.


At the same time though, this is not an excuse for your selfish actions. This does not constitute the right to go around and sleep around, abort babies, etc.

Point is, righteous living. Point is, stable relationship not just with your partner but with every human being around you, the natural way, the way the life ought to be.

See, if I completely cared for each individual around me, I doubt that I'd want to take such a careless action and go sleep around.

Say, you want sex. But at the same time, you are trying to "live right".

The answer is this; no, not marriage; no, not remaining single, either. The answer is, pursuit of HARMONY with all humanbeings.

The person you are completely compatible to, those people will naturally come up as you focus on this lifestyle. It's as natural as breathing. Just don't lie about yourself in the process of getting to know that person. Do not hide, do not lie. Be honest. Be honest about who you are, what you are. Let them know. (We know we lie because we want something that they wouldn't give otherwise.)


-Marriage is a glorified, idealised term for a relationship made, taken to a political degree especially in this corrupt society. No, I'm not implying that marriage is for suckers. My point is to be victorious in your process of building harmony with every person around you. (If the evil can deceive us on any humanly pure matter, wouldn't you think that our idea of marriage just might be wrong or corrupted as well? I think so.)


I see that our views on marriage just might have been very disillusioned. I feel like it's become merely a gimmick. And many (sadly the majority of them are conservative christians!) have bought into believing all marriages are pure, but, look at it, it's not even sacred in many cases. We often see marriages that are just not how it meant to be, like the "I knocked up a girl" cases I brought up as an example earlier).

It's the quality of the relationship that is being built in it, that should always be the focus. Not the status. Status doesn't mean anything!

Yea? you've never cheated on your wife/girlfriend? So what? Still your marriage can be misrable deep inside. Have you really gotten to know your spouce on a completely different level ever since you've gotten married? Do you have a completely renewed, fresh perspective on your mate? How about the world? Are you mechanical about your marriage? Just some thing you have to "do"?

Again, status doesn't mean anything. So, where are you in your development and understanding? The quality of human life won't improve without being challenged in that way. Your mind has to develop. Otherwise, you are just like an animal!


That's not a successful marriage if you are focused on just maintaining that status. It's mediocre at best. And that's not good. That's not victorious.


My young working adult friends, I didn't realize this...


Once a successful, rich, mature relationship brings in the issue of considering marriage, (again at least in this sinful, fallen world) you are now bringing in the element of politics into your relationship. It's almost like, you two are starting a busines, you are taking on a task together. (Thus, it often gets neglected on the quality part.)

Marriage is a task. It's all the other things in relationship, plus a task. It's a God-given, God-ordained task, like working...a human mandate God gave us.


(Now it makes sense why our married friends always told me, "marriage is tough".)


It deals with relationship on a whole another level. It's not like dating at all. And just because you and your partner have been successful in maintaining your relationship doesn't mean it's just logical that you get married.

What is your goal in it? What are you going to accomplish through it? What are your callings in your lives? How are you going to support each other in it?

It's way more than what I percieved as the "natural direction a relationship should go" (sometimes it is, and it is very very clear when it is...but very rare.)

No wonder why Apostle Paul said what he said...remain single if possible.


Don't listen to the lies, friends.

Persue HARMONY...a genuine, caring, supportive, stable, secure, trusting relationship with all. That's the goal. Take marriage completely out of your equation. Get it out. You are to make peace with ALL MEN.

Marriage is a God-ordained, human-mandate thing. Don't adultrate it. Don't dilute it. Don't water it down. Don't abuse the privilege of it. Take your time. Think through. Is it the answer? Is it really fit for the time and the place in your life? If not an definite yes, don't mess around with it. And then, don't go start looking for it all over again. That's where the problem begins. You can't physically look at your naked, filthy, dirty, imperfect, incompetent, insecure self...in fact you want to cover it up by being with somebody who'd tell you "you are the best" etc...or at least you attempt to gain their approval.

I'm writing this because I struggled with this issue for a long long time, and I suffered. It was misrable going through the whole experiences of usual dating, committing, compromising, contemplating marriage, walking away from traditional teachings of Christianity, self-indulgence, more compromise, etc...

And it sucked. I just wanted to live free. I just wanted to quit having unhealthy doubts in my mind.

So, lets change our ways. Let's stop confirming to our old ways of thinking.

Let's stop hurting ourselves. Our lives gotta be more than what it's been up till this point.


I started to finally...and I'm feeling much much better day by day.

Somehow, someway, always inspirations I need manage to find me. And I'm very thankful.



Special thanks to Grace and sharing with me on her experiences and how she see it all now.

Thanks to Christ, the life-force, for personally inspiring me with the way you lived and the way you spoke what you spoke...thank you for the last 7 months of my life and all the experiences I've had...thanks for all the people involved in it. Thank you all for always putting up with me. I'm learning a ton.